By Cheryl Burgess, Integrative Relational Psychotherapist and Therapeutic Counsellor
Understanding Fear of Abandonment, Pushing People Away, and Attraction to Emotionally Unavailable Partners
Relationships can bring enormous joy, comfort, intimacy, and connection. Yet for many people, relationships can also trigger fear, anxiety, confusion, and emotional pain. Some individuals find themselves repeatedly asking why they push people away when they care about them, why they fear abandonment so deeply, why they keep attracting emotionally unavailable people, or why relationships feel emotionally unsafe even when they long for closeness.
These patterns are far more common than many people realise. Importantly, they are not signs of weakness, failure, or being broken. Often, they are deeply understandable responses shaped by early attachment experiences, relational trauma, nervous system adaptations, and unconscious relational templates developed throughout life.
Attachment Theory: Our Earliest Relationships Shape Us
Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby (1969; 1988), suggests that our earliest relationships with caregivers profoundly influence how we experience closeness, trust, emotional safety, and intimacy throughout adulthood.
When caregivers are emotionally available, responsive, and attuned, children are more likely to develop secure attachment. This creates an internal sense that relationships are generally safe, that emotions can be expressed safely, that needs matter, that closeness is not dangerous, and that people can be trusted.
However, when early relationships involve inconsistency, emotional neglect, criticism, abandonment, unpredictability, trauma, or emotional unavailability, children may adapt by developing insecure attachment patterns. These patterns are not conscious choices. They are survival adaptations.
Why Do People Push Others Away?
For some individuals, closeness itself can feel threatening. A person may deeply desire intimacy whilst simultaneously fearing vulnerability, rejection, dependence, engulfment, or emotional pain. This can create an internal conflict: wanting connection, but connection not feeling safe.
As a result, individuals may emotionally withdraw, avoid vulnerability, minimise their needs, shut down during conflict, or sabotage intimacy. This pattern is often associated with avoidant attachment styles (Ainsworth et al., 1978).
From a neuroscience perspective, the brain and nervous system learn through experience. If closeness was historically associated with emotional pain, criticism, inconsistency, or rejection, the nervous system may begin interpreting intimacy itself as a potential threat.
Why Do Some People Fear Abandonment?
Fear of abandonment can feel overwhelming and emotionally consuming. Small changes in communication, perceived rejection, emotional distance, or uncertainty within relationships may trigger intense anxiety.
People with abandonment fears may overthink communication, seek reassurance frequently, become highly sensitive to emotional shifts, fear rejection intensely, and struggle with emotional regulation in relationships.
Research demonstrates that attachment insecurity is associated with heightened activation of neural systems linked to threat monitoring and emotional pain (Mikulincer and Shaver, 2016).
Why Do People Attract Emotionally Unavailable Partners?
Many individuals become frustrated by repeatedly finding themselves in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners. Humans are often unconsciously drawn toward relational dynamics that feel familiar, even when they are painful.
If early relationships involved inconsistency, emotional unpredictability, emotional absence, or the need to earn love, emotionally unavailable partners may unconsciously feel emotionally recognisable. The nervous system tends to favour familiarity over novelty. Familiar does not always mean healthy.
Healing Relationship Patterns
Healing relational wounds is not about blame or self-criticism. It involves developing awareness, self-compassion, emotional safety, and healthier relational experiences.
Neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to form new neural pathways, means that change remains possible throughout life (Cozolino, 2014). Importantly, healing often begins not by asking what is wrong with me, but instead by asking what happened to me, and how did I learn to protect myself. This shift moves individuals away from shame and toward understanding.
References
Ainsworth, M.D.S., Blehar, M.C., Waters, E. and Wall, S. (1978) Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1969) Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment. London: Hogarth Press.
Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. London: Routledge.
Cozolino, L. (2014) The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain. 2nd edn. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
Mikulincer, M. and Shaver, P.R. (2016) Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. 2nd edn. New York: Guilford Press.
